When big emotions take over…
Have you ever found yourself reacting far more intensely than a situation seemed to warrant? Maybe a casual comment from a friend or partner triggered something deep inside you, leaving you confused or overwhelmed by your own emotions.
In those moments, it can feel like the world is suddenly shifting, and your reaction feels uncontrollable. But what if there was a way to make sense of these strong emotions and manage them constructively?
The key lies in asking yourself two simple but powerful questions:
Is it here? Is it now?
Understanding Emotional Triggers
Often, the strong emotions we feel in the present moment are not entirely about the situation at hand. They may be rooted in past experiences, unresolved wounds, or memories that haven’t healed. This means that while the current situation may have triggered the emotion, it’s not the cause of it. Instead, it is the stimulus that brings out something from our past.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, explains this concept beautifully: “Others are never the cause of our feelings; they are the stimulus.” This powerful insight can help us take responsibility and express our needs even in challenging situations.
An Example: The "We Really Need to Talk" Message
Consider a common scenario: You receive a message that says, “We really need to talk.” How do you respond?
For some, this message might spark anxiety. Perhaps they feel they’ve done something wrong or fear they’ll be reprimanded. For others, the same message might provoke curiosity or excitement, a chance to engage in a meaningful conversation. Why the difference?
Our response is deeply influenced by our emotional backpack full of past experiences. How we interpret this message is shaped by our history, our wounds, and our associations with similar situations in the past.
Let’s say, for example, that when my partner doesn’t give me his full attention while I’m trying to share something important, I feel hurt because I want to be seen and cared for. As the youngest child in my family, I often felt overlooked or dismissed. So, when my partner is distracted, I might flip out because his behaviour touches a wound from my past—one that’s not really related to the present moment.
Recognizing the Past in the Present Moment
Here’s where the power of self-awareness comes in. When I realize that my strong reaction isn’t about my partner’s behaviour, but rather the old emotions this situation is triggering, I can prevent an escalation. Instead of immediately reacting with anger or frustration, I can pause and regulate my emotions. For me, distance, breathing, walking, or cuddling my cats help me regulate.
In this case, I could recognize that my partner is simply preoccupied with an urgent work message. Understanding that his distraction isn’t a personal affront helps me maintain my composure. I can then approach him calmly and empathetically, explaining that I need his full attention for a meaningful conversation, without the distraction of phones or other interruptions. I can even share that the situation touched a trigger point, without blaming him for it.
In fact, one realisation that has helped me immensely is this: feeling triggered in a partnership or friendship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Once you recognise a trigger, you become aware of it, and that awareness gives you the chance to start working through it. Being triggered in a relationship doesn’t automatically make the relationship unsafe. The crucial question is:
“Do you feel safe and supported enough in your relationship to work on yourself and heal?”
If you feel triggered and the answer to this question is no, then there may be an issue. However, if the answer is yes, then you have a beautiful opportunity for healing. After all, most of our wounds were caused by relationships, and they can often be best healed within them.
The Benefits of Emotional Awareness
Creating this kind of awareness—of when past wounds are being touched—has three key benefits that can transform the way we navigate conflict in relationships:
Creates Connection – When you share what a situation brings up for you emotionally, you foster vulnerability. This allows the other person to understand your feelings more deeply, creating a stronger, more authentic connection. It also opens the door for empathy and shared understanding.
Prevents Misplaced Blame – Often, in the heat of the moment, we place the blame for our emotional pain on the people around us. However, when we recognize that our feelings are tied to past experiences, we can avoid unfairly holding others accountable for pain they didn’t cause. This helps preserve the connection and avoids unnecessary conflict.
Supports Accountability – When we separate past wounds from the present situation, it becomes easier to communicate our needs clearly. We can express how we feel and hold others accountable for their actions in the present moment, without projecting old emotions onto them.
The Power of Pausing: Is It Here? Is It Now?
The next time emotions feel overwhelming, take a moment to pause and breathe. Ask yourself: Is it here? Is it now?
This simple act of reflection can help you regulate your emotions, connect more deeply with others, and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
Remember: Emotions are powerful, but they don’t have to control us. By becoming aware of the triggers that lie beneath the surface, we can transform difficult situations into opportunities for growth and connection. 💙
